Learn how the first 3 seconds of a conflict can shape the outcome. Lead like Esther—with wisdom, kindness, and confidence in tough conversations.

When it comes to conflict, most people either avoid it or bulldoze through it. But here’s a game-changing truth: the first three seconds of a conflict can predict how it ends—with 80% accuracy.

In the story of Queen Esther, we see a powerful example of strategic communication. Esther knew she needed to communicate some hard things to King Xerxes, but she wasn’t rushed and she wasn’t reactive. She spent time fasting and planning for this conversation. She then invited both King Xerxes and Haman to a banquet that she put together. She knew that this would be the perfect atmosphere to communicate her concerns. Esther set the stage for her request by starting off with kindness. 

As a leader (or in the context of your marriage or family), you don’t have to fear conflict. You just need to change how you start it. That’s it. One shift.

Before jumping into the hard things you want to discuss, decide how you want the conversation to end. Do you want the other person to feel seen, loved, and respected? Then start there. Literally say it: “Hey, I want you to know I care about you, and I want us to walk away from this feeling understood. That said, I’m struggling with something I need to talk about…” 

Once you’ve done this—your tone is set. The other person isn’t bracing for a verbal ambush, and you’re leading with connection instead of confrontation.

Try it next time, and may this one simple tweak make a big difference.